Because everything else is OK in OH….obviously.
Ohio lawmakers, never ones to shy away from tackling life’s most pressing dilemmas, have decided it’s time to put bourbon flippers in their place. Enter Senate Bill 320, the legislative equivalent of saying, “I licked it, so it’s mine.” This ingenious proposal requires buyers of allocated bourbon bottles to open them right there at the checkout counter, ensuring that the prized spirit can no longer be resold for an eye-watering profit. Problem solved, right? Yay! Progress?
For the uninitiated, bourbon flipping has become the black market of choice for whiskey enthusiasts. Rare bottles like Pappy Van Winkle or Blanton’s Gold are snapped up by opportunists faster than you can say “aged allocation.” These flippers then turn around and sell the bottles online for astronomical sums, leaving true bourbon lovers in the lurch. Senator Bill DeMora’s solution? Force buyers to uncork the bottle on the spot. No pristine seals, no resale value, no problem. And if you’re lucky, next step in this process the will require you to lick the neck of the bottle in front of the store clerk for good measure.
The logic is flawless, really. By reducing these rare bottles to “opened” status, the bill guarantees that bourbon flippers will no longer profit. Of course, it also guarantees that every cherished bottle will now be popped open under the harsh glow of liquor store fluorescent lighting instead of during a memorable toast with friends. Nothing screams “special occasion” like sipping 20-year-old bourbon out of a plastic cup at the register.
Naturally, this proposal raises a host of logistical questions. Will stores need to provide fancy glassware for this impromptu tasting ritual? Will customers be allowed to sniff the cork for dramatic effect? And what about the half-empty bottle? Are buyers expected to cradle it like a boozy infant all the way home, or will stores offer complimentary diaper bags for their new, unsealed treasures?
Ohio’s craft distilleries, like Middle West Spirits and Watershed Distillery, might quietly cheer this move. After all, anything that discourages obsessive hunting for Kentucky’s liquid unicorns could redirect attention to local spirits. But let’s be honest: this bill isn’t fixing the underlying problem of bourbon scarcity—it’s just adding an awkward “I licked it” moment to the buying process and probably adding hours of travel to just pick up these rare bourbons across the state line instead.
Meanwhile, Kentucky, the bourbon motherland, has adopted a polite silence on Ohio’s attempt to regulate the bourbon underworld. One imagines distillers shaking their heads in bemusement, sipping their own well-aged stock, and muttering, “Bless their hearts.” After all, Ohio’s effort to legislate its way out of bourbon flipping feels a bit like slapping a Band-Aid or a maybe whole can of Flex-Seal on a barrel leak.
This debate also underscores the cultural divide between bourbon purists and profiteers. For purists, bourbon is about tradition, craftsmanship, and the joy of sharing. For flippers, it’s about turning a quick profit—a hustle as old as capitalism itself. Senate Bill 320 aims to restore some dignity to bourbon culture, albeit with the subtlety of a sledgehammer.
The big question remains: Can this law actually work? The allure of bourbon lies in its mystique, its scarcity, and the stories attached to each bottle. By mandating an immediate uncorking, the bill tries to preserve that allure for true enthusiasts. But it’s hard to savor the magic of a rare spirit when you’re forced to break the seal next to a stack of lottery tickets and a cash register.
Whether Senate Bill 320 passes or fizzles out, one thing is certain: Ohio’s bourbon enthusiasts will have plenty to talk about—preferably over a glass of something already opened. And hey, if all else fails, just remember: “I licked it, so it’s mine” might not be the classiest motto, but it is better and less tiring than hearing the overstressed ‘THE’ when someone tells you they graduated from Ohio State.
Great thinking there Demora…good luck with getting this passed and with the whole career change after the next election!
