Alright, buckle up buttercup because we’re about to embark on a bourbon-fueled poker night that’s about as well thought-out as your younger sibling with the 14 year age gap(spoiler alert – he wasn’t planned). All you know is that you’re hosting and a baller on a budget, so you’re keeping your 7 bottle purchase under $350 but still wanna show off a bit. Here’s the lineup, along with which buddy is drinking it dry before the end of the night. We’ll wrap up with who wins big at the end of the night and while the others are gonna have to explain where this week’s paycheck went once they get home.
Dread River Single Barrel
- Price: ~$50
- Tasting Notes: Rich caramel, candied pecans, and a spice that whispers, “I’m local, but not in a trying-too-hard way.”
- Who’s Drinking It: The guy who’s been to Birmingham once and now insists he’s an expert on everything “Southern”—including bourbon. He’ll declare this “a hidden gem,” while everyone else is just trying to play cards. He’ll spend the whole night explaining how this is the next big thing, then go all-in with pocket 2s because “it’s all about taking risks.” The only thing he’s taking home tonight is a bruised ego and a much lighter wallet. He’ll stick around to the end of the night because he finds get-togethers like this are part of the South’s charm and doesn’t want to miss any of it.
Old Forester 1920 Prohibition Style
- Price: ~$65
- Tasting Notes: Dark chocolate, caramel, and spicy cinnamon that hits you like a time-traveling whiskey—and in this case, history’s definitely not on your side.
- Who’s Drinking It: The history buff who watches Boardwalk Empire and thinks he’s an expert in Prohibition-era everything. He’ll lecture the table about how this is what “real bourbon” tasted like in the 1920s, but by round 3, he’ll be slurring his way through a story about moonshiners in the backwoods. By the end of the night, he’s folded three times in a row, convinced he’s been “strategizing.” It’s okay, though—he’s already mentally living in the past, so he doesn’t even care. Like the Dread River guy above, he’s in it for the long haul and ain’t leaving anytime soon.
Buffalo Trace
- Price: ~$30
- Tasting Notes: Soft vanilla, light oak, and a sweetness that says, “I’m charming and approachable, but also a little too mainstream for some people’s taste.”
- Who’s Drinking It: The guy who thinks choosing Buffalo Trace makes him sound fancy without needing to commit to anything weird. He’s here for the chips and the snack bowl, but every time he takes a sip, he says, “Ah, very balanced.” He’ll fold anything less than a full house and still manage to lose half his stack to someone’s random two-pair. Don’t worry, though, he’ll still hold onto the bottle like he’s holding onto his dignity and wax on about how he spotted a it in the background of last week’s Yellowstone episode. He’ll leave around midnight and ‘flex’ by telling everyone that he’s gonna catch the most recent Joe Rogan podcast on the Uber ride home – then ask if anyone knows what Joe’s favorite bourbon is. Yes, Colby, we all know…you told us 3 times already tonight.
Wild Turkey Rare Breed
- Price: ~$55
- Tasting Notes: Bold caramel, vanilla, and orange zest with a punch that says, “I don’t need permission to be here, I just do what I want.”
- Who’s Drinking It: The chaos agent who’s louder than a freight train and thinks a jack of hearts is all the excuse he needs to go all-in. He’s already three pours in and doesn’t even remember what hand he’s holding. But somehow, despite being the most reckless player at the table, he’ll walk away with the chips—because nothing wins like absolute pandemonium. This is the same dude that kicked your ass in 4th grade and reminds you about it every time you get together. Get ready, this guy ain’t baling on you at all tonight, go ahead and get the guest bedroom ready.
Maker’s Mark 46
- Price: ~$40
- Tasting Notes: Buttery caramel, vanilla, and oak with just enough smoothness to make you think it’s too good for poker night.
- Who’s Drinking It: The guy who insists he’s “just here for the company,” but really, he’s just trying to look sophisticated while casually scrolling on his phone. He’ll sip this like he’s at a wine-tasting event, giving everyone that “I’m above this” look. When it’s his turn to play, he’ll bet low, fold high, and still manage to lose because he’s trying to time everything to perfection. He’ll leave early to “get some rest”—aka, he knows his poker game is weak and he ran outta chips by 8 pm. As he hops behind the wheel of his Prius, the group has a good laugh about how miserable he looked when he tried a small pour of the Old Forester 1920 early on in the game.
Elijah Craig Barrel Proof
- Price: ~$70
- Tasting Notes: Rich caramel, deep oak, and a burn that says, “I’m here to kick you in the teeth and make you appreciate it.”
- Who’s Drinking It: The bourbon “connoisseur” who brings his own tasting notes and pretends he knows what “viscosity” means. He even brought his own Glencairn glass to the game. A freaking Glencairn glass! He’ll swish this like it’s some kind of ritual, and when you ask how it tastes, he’ll respond with something pretentious like, “It’s very balanced, but the finish lingers with an almost tobacco-y nuance.” When he loses all his chips to Wild Turkey Rare Breed guy, he’ll sigh dramatically and claim, “Poker’s a game of chance.” Sure, buddy, whatever helps you sleep at night. Once he leaves around 11pm, the remaining players realize that none of them even know who invited this dude.
New Riff Single Barrel
- Price: ~$50
- Tasting Notes: Bold spice, black pepper, and a sweetness that makes you think Ohio might actually know what it’s doing.
- Who’s Drinking It: The guy who heard Ohio (yes we know it is ACTUALLY in Newport KY, but this is just across the river from Cincinnati) has a distillery scene and now won’t stop talking about it. He’s convinced this is the bourbon that’s going to change the game, but after one too many pours, he’ll be trying to bluff with a pair of 3s. He’ll claim, “This is a great choice,” then lose all his chips by betting on “gut feeling.” Spoiler: his gut’s wrong, and he’s out before the 10pm.
The Big Winner: Wild Turkey Rare Breed guy
We all know it’s him. He’s loud, he’s reckless, and he has absolutely no strategy. But somehow, in the midst of his chaos, he wins. He might not (he definitely won’t) even remember how, but by the end of the night, he’s holding the chips like he’s the last man standing in a bar fight. Speaking of fight, you do remember that he kicked your ass back in 4th grade, right? Despite that, you’ll let him sleep it off in the back bedroom because even Uber won’t let this guy into a car by this point.
So there you have it: the bourbon lineup that’ll have you wondering if poker was even the point of the night. But, hey, at least everyone’s got a new “favorite bourbon” and a significantly lighter wallet. Cheers to absolute chaos and completely avoidable bad decisions. After all, that’s what memories are made of – Bourbon and bad decisions.
