In a bold move that left the Deep State shaking in their government-issued ergonomic chairs, Elon Musk and Donald Trump have joined forces to purge Washington of its most unnecessary employees. The tech billionaire and the political heavyweight reportedly sat down for a “tremendous” conversation over steaks—well-done, obviously—before rolling out what Musk dubbed the “Hyperloop to Efficiency.”
“Look, folks, we’re talking about waste like you wouldn’t believe. Billions. Trillions, probably,” Trump declared at a press conference. “And Elon here—one of the greatest guys, by the way—he’s not afraid to take a flamethrower to the nonsense.”
Musk chimed in, tweeting, “Firing redundant government employees is the ultimate free market solution. Also, I might send them to Mars. TBD.”
The Casualties (and Their Bourbon of Choice…before and after)
1. Deputy Undersecretary of Stapler Logistics
After 27 years of ensuring federal staplers remained fully operational, Steve McBureaucrat found himself terminated, saving taxpayers $250,000 per year. He used to drink Elijah Craig Small Batch, but now he’s stuck with Evan Williams Green Label, claiming, “Without me, the entire system will fall into chaos. CHAOS!”
2. Executive Chairperson of Diversity in Paperclip Colors
Janine Overcomplicate spent her career ensuring that government offices had an inclusive array of paperclip hues. With her $310,000 salary cut, she used to sip Blanton’s Single Barrel, but now she’s sulking over a glass of Old Crow, muttering about how Elon doesn’t understand “the deep socio-economic implications of monochrome paperclips.”
3. Chief Officer of Theoretical Parking Spot Expansion Studies
Known for planning garages that never got built, Greg Pavement is now out of a job, saving the American people $275,000 per year. He once enjoyed Weller 12 Year, but now he’s begrudgingly sipping Benchmark while arguing with strangers online about urban infrastructure.
4. Director of Office Chair Comfort Optimization
Linda PostureCheck’s role of making sure every bureaucrat’s lumbar support was perfect is gone, along with her $290,000 salary. She used to lean back with Old Forester 1920, but now she’s slouching with Kentucky Tavern, warning that “mass spinal collapse is imminent.”
5. Bureau Chief of Red Tape Distribution
Lori Loophole’s career revolved around ensuring every process took twice as long as necessary. Eliminating her $350,000 role has freed up taxpayer funds and enraged lobbyists. She once sipped Pappy Van Winkle 15 Year, but now she’s begrudgingly drinking Rebel Yell, plotting ways to complicate her own unemployment paperwork.
6. Senior Director of Acronym Generation (S.D.A.G.)
Tony Bureaubabble, the mastermind behind hundreds of useless government acronyms, was let go, saving $185,000 per year. His last act was creating “F.I.R.E.D. (Federal Initiative for Reducing Excessive Departments).” He once clutched a bottle of Booker’s Bourbon, but now he’s stuck with Heaven Hill White Label, whispering, “They’ll miss me when the acronyms run dry.”
7. Senior Analyst for Federal Paper Towel Usage Metrics
Greg Absorbency, a proud watchdog of how many paper towels each department used, was given the axe, cutting $320,000 in annual waste. He used to nurse Eagle Rare 10 Year, but now he’s drying his tears with Early Times, haunted by the thought of inefficient hand-drying.
8. Grand Poobah of the E-4 Mafia & Master of Disappearing Acts
30 year Corporal Chad Barracks (ret.) spent his civilian career making sure that lower enlisted personnel worked as little as humanly possible while perfecting the art of “looking busy.” His termination has saved taxpayers $225,000 annually. He once drank Michter’s 10 Year, but now he’s playing spades with a bottle of Virginia Gentleman, still perfecting his disappearing act.
9. Supreme Overseer of Sticks, Stones, and Hurt Feelings Prevention
Nancy Sensitivity spent her career ensuring no one in the federal workforce ever felt offended by words, glances, or even the weather. Her dismissal has saved taxpayers $280,000 annually, though the nation’s stockpile of participation trophies is now at risk. She once nursed Angel’s Envy, but now she’s emotionally coping with Fireball, lamenting, “Without my office, people might start using words unregulated!”
The Aftermath and Some Unexpected Wins
With Musk and Trump leading the charge, bourbon sales have skyrocketed as ex-bureaucrats struggle to remember what it’s like to have a real job. Meanwhile, the nation’s taxpayers are rejoicing over projected savings now soaring past $1.3 billion annually.
Even more surprising, the influx of laid-off bureaucrats panic-buying bourbon has generated an estimated $75 million in unexpected alcohol-related tax revenue, proving once again that the free market works in mysterious ways.
When asked about the move, Trump declared, “We’re bringing back winning. People love winning. Elon and I—we win bigly. Huge savings. Tremendous. The best.”
Elon Musk followed up with a cryptic tweet: “Some of these ex-government employees might make great Tesla crash test dummies. Maybe. Or maybe we’ll just send them to space. Still deciding.”
One thing’s for sure—while government inefficiency may have taken a hit, the bourbon industry is booming, and the Musk-Trump alliance just might be the most chaotic duo Washington has ever seen.
